Bacon Wrapped Turtle Burger?


Um, no.

I don’t know who concocted this monstrosity –

But I strenuously object.  strenuously.

Why?

Ok, I won’t deny that it’s “cuter” than the turtle burger of my youth, especially with the feet and mouth all splayed, but this, madame (or sir), is a glaring abuse of form over function.

First of all, I approve of the bacon weave in general.  Who, in their mind’s fond wanderings, has not found themselves dreaming of a bacon basket?  I know I have.  However, as with most anything, there is a time and a place.

That time is when the situation calls for a low and slow cooking method and that place is in the oven (though it could be done on the grill).  See Paddy Longs’ Bacon Bomb.

A burger’s place is not in the oven.  That is what we call “meatloaf”.  Where the char?  Where the crusty sear?  Where, fine citizens I ask you, is the dripping pink center?  As you can clearly see in the picture, this burger is well done.  This so-called-burger needs to be baked *shudder* at 400 degrees (say what?) for 40 minutes.  40 minutes??  For ground beef? No, really, these are the actual instructions.  I know.  I, too, was appalled.

Objection the second: Too much bacon.  Yes, I do know what I’m saying. Hear me out. Given the bacon/meat ratio of this burger, bacon is the star.  Bacon has indisputable star qualities, but bacon, if allowed, will always steal the limelight.  Bacon is the Eve Harrington of the culinary world.  I say this with affection and as a devoted bacon lover, “Slow your roll, Bacon. Slow. Your. Roll.”  Give someone else a chance.  Ground cow and cured ground cow also deserve their day in the sun.

Objection the third: As stated in my previous post, what makes the turtle burger stunning is the combination of hot dog and burger.  Each bite of the turtle burger that I know and love contains that winning combo.  Because of the form of this imposter turtle burger, that combination would occur pretty willy nilly, if at all.  Form over function. For shame.

Objection the fourth: Crime against hot dog. I like a well done dog as much as anybody could, of this, I feel sure.  But there is such a thing as too much.  A hot dog at 400 degrees in an oven  for 40 minutes is too much.  Looks at its poor little crispy extremities.

Objection the last:  Unbalanced.  Consult the checklist.  Is this salty?  I’m sure it is.  Is it bright?  There’s no acid.  Is it sweet?  Don’t know how it could be.  Is it spicy/herby?  No, sir, it is not.  You could put more fixins’ on this burger  to achieve these things – tomato (sweet, acid), mustard (sour/spicy), lettuce (herby, crunch), grilled onions (sweet, acid), etc.  But good lord, who could consume it?  I have enough trouble with mine and it’s less one hot dog and 6 strips of bacon overall.

In conclusion, your bacon-wrapped turtle burger may be cute, whoever you are, but my turtle burger is winning.

***

Upon reflection, I decided to file this under “do not knock it until you have tried it”.  So once again, I will sacrifice in the name of fairness, and make and eat this burger.  I have taken a few liberties –

1.  Four strips of bacon is plenty.

It doesn’t have quite the weaved effect of six, but I’m hoping it won’t overshadow the burger as much either.  I used thick cut bacon (it’s all I had), but it might serve to stand that thin cut is better for this application.

2. The burger patty was thick and not completely defrosted in the hopes that while I would have no sear, there would be a slim chance of the pink center I so love.  We shall see.

3.  I split the hotdog lengthwise for the feet  and tail to use less hot dog.  However, they may get even crispier than the ones in the picture.  I tried to combat this by not fully defrosting the hot dog either, but who knows?

I’m giving this turtle burger the best chance I can.  It’s currently in my oven at 400.  I’m checking that puppy at 20 minutes.  I’ll keep you posted.

**update –

The finished product.

So the non-defrosting trick worked.  Medium Rare.

It might have been the lack of air circulation (mine was on a foil lined grill rack with holes to let the fat drip through), but my bacon on the bottom didn’t cook fully, so I removed it.  With only two strips of bacon, I felt it was bacon manageable, but twice as much would have been arguably too much.  My real problem was with the hot dog overdoneness and distribution.  Even the hot dog I didn’t split lengthwise (the head) got way too crispy.  Its distribution was in fact willy nilly, and I couldn’t eat even half of this thing.

I gave it the ol’ college, and I feel I could improve my technique after a few tries, but I’m not going to because my turtle burger is still winning.

Winning.

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